I am afraid to make new friends.
My regrets far outweigh my accomplishments by pages. There are times when depression hits and while I try not to show anything on the outside, my mind ends up shatter and the prickling of tears burns my eyes as I fight against the fat blobs of tears that want to break against the damn. Unfortunately tonight is one of those nights.
Usually to try to mend the chink in my armor my comments towards others turn from playful and teasing to downright mean and insulting. I can’t help it my defense is usually hurt them before they hurt you because one day they will leave and hurt you. I would rather make the decision than be abandoned. It’s better to have loved than lost? I spit at the feet of anyone who dares say that quote in front of my.
I had my first best friend when I was six, her name was Morgan, she was two years older than me. I didn’t really have any friends my age at the time and most of the time at school I just played by myself on the swings, but everyday when I got home I would rush out until dark to play with my best friend. One day Morgan’s mother told me she didn’t want me playing with her daughter and that I was not wanted in her house anymore. I didn’t understand what I had down wrong. Morgan and I start playing together in secret when her mother was at work.
One day another little girl moved in across the street from us. This little girl was allowed to play with Morgan. Morgan’s mother told the new girls mom that I wasn’t allowed to play with Morgan, so she decided that I wasn’t to play with her daughter either. One day I had friends, The Next day I was all alone. I started to spend most of my time inside, playing with only myself and my imagination. It was at this time that I started to write. It was all I had.
It wasn’t until I was about fourteen that I made another best friends. Her name was Windy and she was a year older that I was, we also shared the same birthday. She was the first person that I let myself fully open to the one person who I felt would be there for me just like I would be there for her. She was the first (1 of 2) who got to actually know my family life, had actually witnessed it, and trusted her.
She didn’t go to the same school as me or even live in the same city, but every weekend she would come over and we would spend all of our time together. We were almost like sisters, no we pretty much were sisters. One day during a weekend together she tells me that shes moving, in fact she wasn’t just moving to another city, oh no, she was moving to another state. Idaho to be exact.
We cried and had out goodbyes and promised to keep in touch with each other and we did. At first. We talked to each other a lot on the phone but that became too expensive, so letters were our only option. She wrote first so that I could get her address and I waited with bated breath to receive it. When I got the letter I must have read each word a hundred times to make sure I didn’t miss anything. My heart ached when I read that she was making new friends.
I wrote her back and was surprised when I received my letter returned back to me. It seems that she forgot to include her zip code in her address, and in my rush to send her my letter I didn’t notice. I didn’t take this as a stopper and got my mother’s approval to call her to get the zip code, only her number was disconnected. I decided to wait for another letter this time hopefully with her zip code on it. None came.
This was before the internet was really popular and I couldn’t just google it, like I can now. The internet was still fairly new and I couldn’t use it very much, once again the phone cost. I don’t know what happened to Windy and I still think of her at times. And wished she was here. I also wonder if she still thinks of me and if she wonders why I never wrote her back.
If you ever read this… I miss you…
People aren’t the only things that leave me. When I was around eight, a neighbor’s cat got pregnant with kittens. My mother said that it was okay that I had one so I wait weeks (a long time for a young kid for to wait) for them to be weened off their mothers milk. The neighbor would let me visit with the cats and I went over everyday and one day I notice that one of the cats was so tiny. The woman explained to me that it was the runt of the litter and that none of the other cats would like him eat and would push him around. She explained to me that she had to bottle feed him in order for him not to starve to death. As tears fill my eyes I knew that this was who I would be taking home with me.
The day I took him home was one of the happiest days of my life. I named him Dinky due to his size. He was always there for me curling around my neck, snuggling in to my side on bad days. I’ve never loved anything so much. When I was seventeen our landlord told us we ere not able to have pets anymore. We found homes for our other pets but I knew I couldn’t get rid of him. A old friend of my mothers offered to take care of Dinky until I could collect him. A couple of days later I came home and my mother was wearing a grim expression while my dad looks furious. They explained to me that Dinky was given away because my mother’s friend did not want to take care of him anymore.
I remembered bursting into angry tears and demanded that we go get my cat back, except my mother’s friend wouldn’t tell me where he was or who we gave him to. I refused from that day forward to talk to him at all. Thirty days after that we got evicted from our house because they wanted to sell it. A year later my mother’s friend would try to make amends with me by giving me a picture of my precious Dinky in his new home to prove that he was being taken care of well. This only fueled my grudge and hatred towards the man who was like a grandfather to me.
I still cry whenever I think of Dinky and my one regret was I never said good bye because I thought foolishly that I would see him again.
I still find it so hard to trust and love but I’m trying, My fiance is helping me see that not everyone leaves. Tesla and Mordechai are helping rebuild the hole that Dinky left. Who knows maybe one day I can actually have a decent conversation with some body I just meet
Only time will tell.