You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

This morning I am going to address something that has been bothering me for a long time.

My fiance’s best friend is a woman. This woman is my Maid of Honor. I get along with her very well, but to me she will always be my fiance’s best friend, this does not bother me. My fiance and her make plans and go out for dinner just the two of them, this does not bother me. She and my Fiance have a weekly T.V night that they spend hours in front of the T.V. watching a particular show that they both have been wanting to see (some I have interest in, some I don’t), they have been doing this for about 2 years or so, this does not bother me.

What bothers me is the stupid questions and replies that people tell me when I tell them that my fiance’s best friend is a woman. It’s almost always the same thing, I’ve pretty much memorized it by now.

This is how it goes after I tell someone that my Maid of Honor is my fiance’s best friend. (this has been coming up more and more due to my impending nuptials)

“And you let him get away with it? Your just comfortable with it? What if something happens between them? You trust them? Aren’t you jealous? If he was my guy I would not be okay with that.”

First off that first question: ‘And you let him get away with it?’ he’s a grown ass man, I am not his mother. If he wants to do something than he’s going to do it regardless of me. He does take in account of my feelings when he does something (just like I do about him) but ultimately hes going to do what hes going to do.

Second question: ‘Your just comfortable with it?’ Yea I am and what?

The third and fourth questions always come together; ‘What if something happens between them? You trust them?’ If something were to happen between them then I hope (if they actually do care about me) they would tell me, and of course I would be angry and sad and everything that comes with along with being betrayed. They have never given me a reason not to trust them I’ve been with my fiance for almost ten years, and I’ve known my Maid of Honor for about 6 years, so I trust them alot.

Fifth question; ‘Aren’t you jealous’ No I’m not. There has never been a time where I looked at them and thought ‘bitch better back off my man!’ I’ve said the line in jest but never out of emotion.
I can tell you the exact reason when I’ve been jealous of them and I will list them although it is not the type of jealousy most people expect

-I am jealous of the fact they can eat solid food (they went to Dennys last night, and I’m on a juice diet and I’m so hungry)
-I am jealous of the fact that they can find the most stupidist stuff funny (because to be honest most of the stuff is stupid.)
-I am jealous of the fact that she can laugh at his puns (actually no I’m not)

That’s really it

‘If he was my man I would not be okay with it’ okay I didn’t ask for your opinion, and I really don’t need a lecture about something that isn’t any of your business. Lastly he’s not your man he’s mine.

Back the Fuck off Bitches!


Regrets, Past Dwelling and the Reason for Second Chances

My regrets far outweigh my accomplishments by pages. There are times when depression hits and while I try not to show anything on the outside, my mind ends up shatter and the prickling of tears burns my eyes as I fight against the fat blobs of tears that want to break against the damn. Unfortunately tonight is one of those nights.

Usually to try to mend the chink in my armor my comments towards others turn from playful and teasing to downright mean and insulting. I can’t help it my defense is usually hurt them before they hurt you because one day they will leave and hurt you. I would rather make the decision than be abandoned. It’s better to have loved than lost? I spit at the feet of anyone who dares say that quote in front of my.

I had my first best friend when I was six, her name was Morgan, she was two years older than me. I didn’t really have any friends my age at the time and most of the time at school I just played by myself on the swings, but everyday when I got home I would rush out until dark to play with my best friend. One day Morgan’s mother told me she didn’t want me playing with her daughter and that I was not wanted in her house anymore. I didn’t understand what I had down wrong. Morgan and I start playing together in secret when her mother was at work.

One day another little girl moved in across the street from us. This little girl was allowed to play with Morgan. Morgan’s mother told the new girls mom that I wasn’t allowed to play with Morgan, so she decided that I wasn’t to play with her daughter either. One day I had friends, The Next day I was all alone. I started to spend most of my time inside, playing with only myself and my imagination. It was at this time that I started to write. It was all I had.

It wasn’t until I was about fourteen that I made another best friends. Her name was Windy and she was a year older that I was, we also shared the same birthday. She was the first person that I let myself fully open to the one person who I felt would be there for me just like I would be there for her. She was the first (1 of 2) who got to actually know my family life, had actually witnessed it, and trusted her.

She didn’t go to the same school as me or even live in the same city, but every weekend she would come over and we would spend all of our time together. We were almost like sisters, no we pretty much were sisters. One day during a weekend together she tells me that shes moving, in fact she wasn’t just moving to another city, oh no, she was moving to another state. Idaho to be exact.

We cried and had out goodbyes and promised to keep in touch with each other and we did. At first. We talked to each other a lot on the phone but that became too expensive, so letters were our only option. She wrote first so that I could get her address and I waited with bated breath to receive it. When I got the letter I must have read each word a hundred times to make sure I didn’t miss anything. My heart ached when I read that she was making new friends.

I wrote her back and was surprised when I received my letter returned back to me. It seems that she forgot to include her zip code in her address, and in my rush to send her my letter I didn’t notice. I didn’t take this as a stopper and got my mother’s approval to call her to get the zip code, only her number was disconnected. I decided to wait for another letter this time hopefully with her zip code on it. None came.

This was before the internet was really popular and I couldn’t just google it, like I can now. The internet was still fairly new and I couldn’t use it very much, once again the phone cost. I don’t know what happened to Windy and I still think of her at times. And wished she was here. I also wonder if she still thinks of me and if she wonders why I never wrote her back.

If you ever read this… I miss you…

People aren’t the only things that leave me. When I was around eight, a neighbor’s cat got pregnant with kittens. My mother said that it was okay that I had one so I wait weeks (a long time for a young kid for to wait) for them to be weened off their mothers milk. The neighbor would let me visit with the cats and I went over everyday and one day I notice that one of the cats was so tiny. The woman explained to me that it was the runt of the litter and that none of the other cats would like him eat and would push him around. She explained to me that she had to bottle feed him in order for him not to starve to death. As tears fill my eyes I knew that this was who I would be taking home with me.

The day I took him home was one of the happiest days of my life. I named him Dinky due to his size. He was always there for me curling around my neck, snuggling in to my side on bad days. I’ve never loved anything so much. When I was seventeen our landlord told us we ere not able to have pets anymore. We found homes for our other pets but I knew I couldn’t get rid of him. A old friend of my mothers offered to take care of Dinky until I could collect him. A couple of days later I came home and my mother was wearing a grim expression while my dad looks furious. They explained to me that Dinky was given away because my mother’s friend did not want to take care of him anymore.

I remembered bursting into angry tears and demanded that we go get my cat back, except my mother’s friend wouldn’t tell me where he was or who we gave him to. I refused from that day forward to talk to him at all. Thirty days after that we got evicted from our house because they wanted to sell it. A year later my mother’s friend would try to make amends with me by giving me a picture of my precious Dinky in his new home to prove that he was being taken care of well. This only fueled my grudge and hatred towards the man who was like a grandfather to me.

I still cry whenever I think of Dinky and my one regret was I never said good bye because I thought foolishly that I would see him again.

I still find it so hard to trust and love but I’m trying, My fiance is helping me see that not everyone leaves. Tesla and Mordechai are helping rebuild the hole that Dinky left. Who knows maybe one day I can actually have a decent conversation with some body I just meet

Only time will tell. 

I read!?

Most people don’t know this but I read. A lot. It is somewhat hard to get me interested, but when I am I won’t put the book down until I’m done.

Most of the time I forget to eat, shower, and sometimes will forgo the sleep I so love but hardly get.

Today I had decided to brave the rain and visited Mysterious Galaxy Bookstore In Redondo Beach to join L.A. Kornetsky in her signing of the Book collared.

I was a very intimate gathering that offered me some time to chat with the author and get my book signed, I felt accomplished when I left the bookstore (along with two new books) and got home

Written by: L.A. Kornetsky

Synopsis: Ginny Mallard and her shar-pei, Georgie, are about to run out of kibble and cash, unless she digs up another client for her private concierge business. So she heads to her neighborhood Seattle bar, Mary’s, to sniff out an opportunity. Or a gimlet or two. The bartender, Teddy Tonica, is usually good for a round of challenging banter, and Georgie is oddly fond of his bar cat, Mistress Penny. Before she can say “bottoms up,” Ginny lands a job tracking down some important business papers that have gone missing—along with the customer’s uncle. If Ginny hopes to track him down, she’ll need more than her research skills: she’ll need a partner with people skills—like Tonica.
This is one dangerous case that’s about to go to the dogs—unless man, woman, cat, and canine can work together as one very unconventional crime-solving team

This book is entertaining and a very easy read (I finished the book in a couple of days). To my delight the characters were very relate-able and deliciously humans with their reactions and emotions. I really like the scenes with the pets and was very believable that the characters were interacting with real pets. The Author did very well on her research of the Seattle area and on interactions with animals.  As for the mystery aspect of the book I was hoping something…. More. I don’t how to describe it but it seemed lacking somewhat in the mystery department.

Overall this book was very entertaining and funny and I recommend this book to any animal lovers or mystery readers. I give this book a 3 out of 5 stars.


Random Scenes in Fiction: Can’t

Just something new I’m starting where I post a small and random scene from something I’ve written or am writing. This one in particular I wrote a couple of years ago. So here it goes


                She licks her lips, his eyes entranced. Her thighs rub together trying to relieve the ache of desire. He smirks, she scowls. He breaths deeply and she wonders if he can smell her arousal. He leans back in the small wooden chair, eyes transfixed on her face, but it wants to travel lower. It pains her to want him so badly and he knows it. He wants her as well. He can’t have her. His hands run through his sweaty hair, something he does when he’s thinking. She wonders if he’s thinking of her, the way she’s thinking of him.          


                She closes her eyes, trying not to think of what it would feel like to feel his hands running up her leg. He imagines his hands on her thighs going slowly to that sweet place, where he can forget his problems and get lost in her. He shakes his head and clears his throat, causing her to wake from her trance. Her eyes pop open and focuses once again on his handsome face. His dark shaggy hair, piercing blue eyes, luscious lips kissing her neck trailing down to her, She pinches herself to awaken.


                Dark green once again meets blue eyes. She bites her heart shape lips, and he thinks it’s a shame that he can’t be the one to do it. His eyes travel over her beautiful round face. Perfect lips, high cheek bones, cute button nose, Sparkling emerald eyes and long dark wavy hair. She’s almost perfect. ALMOST. They could never be together. Her, the poor girl from the other side of the tracks. Him, the star quarterback. Tragic Romance. That’s the stuff that can only happen in movies.


                Sure they could fuck. He would brag to his friends, putting another blemish on the view of others towards her. She would curse at him every time he walks by, and regret every second of their time together. They couldn’t do that. They could NEVER do that. It would have to be something more than fucking between them. So this is how it would stay. Sitting in the hallway outside the principal’s office. Him for fighting over something as stupid as the last Dr. Pepper in the vending machine, which he will get a warning and a slap on the wrist. Her for being late since she had to walk to school because her parents didn’t have enough money to send her to college and buy her, her own car. She’ll get Saturday detention, since this was the fourth time.

                 The door opens a smile on the principal’s face ushering the handsome jock in, He turns to look at her and that smile turns into a frown and a head shake. He goes back inside and closes the door. Just another day of longing for the young teens. Another day of denying Passion, need, and acceptance.