Loneliness, Weird Dreams and Survival

My fiance is leaving me for a week to go to chicago, its for his work so he MUST go. We have been together for almost 10 years and during these almost 10 years we have never been apart for longer than 3 days, while I do miss him terribly it isn’t until night time that it really hits me. So most of the night as I get woken up by random sounds that make me think someone is breaking in, the wind howling at my bedroom window and my animals whom I have let sleep in my bed while he’s away (Most of the time when I wake up I’m completely smushed up against the wall). The night is when the loneliness creeps in, I’m just used to him being there. I miss his snoring, his mumbled talking, and hell I even miss him talking about Moonshiners and Duck Dynasty. It’s so very ridiculous that only after two nights alone am I feeling like this. I was hoping to at least make it three days.

My fiance knows me so well that he reminds me to eat. It’s not that I choose not to eat, its just sometimes I forget. It happens I get so into doing other things that I completely forget that food even exists. I’ve even comtemplated putting reminders in my phone. so far I have been eating (score for me) but to be honest its not great food. The monday he left I demolished my diet by going to Ihop and getting a huge french toast meal, then I ate nachos and drank a soda. Maybe this is me rebelling that he’s gone? either way I was disgusted with myself the next morning as I still felt so full the day before.

I haven’t been sleeping well, yes this is true but when I do sleep the weirdest dreams keep popping up. On monday night I had a dream where I seduced Jim Parsons and we became friends with benefits. Although our sexual encounters were so very awkward that we would tend to berate each other and put each other down. It was almost a nightmare, at least the sex was decent. Last night my dream was even weirder. I was a CIA agent going undercover in Russia to hunt down William Dafoe. Apparently Mr. Dafoe was a Russian spy who stole the secrets of making the glue that goes on letters that you had to wet. He was going to poison every letter in the world and I had to stop him (cause you know I was the only one who could). The dream resorted into me jumping off twenty story buildings, sky diving into russia and befriending a dancing bear who wore a Tutu. The bears name was Mimi (silly name for a boy bear). I had a pistol that never ran out of bullets and I got shot twice.

I hope I can survive the rest of the week.

Regrets, Past Dwelling and the Reason for Second Chances

My regrets far outweigh my accomplishments by pages. There are times when depression hits and while I try not to show anything on the outside, my mind ends up shatter and the prickling of tears burns my eyes as I fight against the fat blobs of tears that want to break against the damn. Unfortunately tonight is one of those nights.

Usually to try to mend the chink in my armor my comments towards others turn from playful and teasing to downright mean and insulting. I can’t help it my defense is usually hurt them before they hurt you because one day they will leave and hurt you. I would rather make the decision than be abandoned. It’s better to have loved than lost? I spit at the feet of anyone who dares say that quote in front of my.

I had my first best friend when I was six, her name was Morgan, she was two years older than me. I didn’t really have any friends my age at the time and most of the time at school I just played by myself on the swings, but everyday when I got home I would rush out until dark to play with my best friend. One day Morgan’s mother told me she didn’t want me playing with her daughter and that I was not wanted in her house anymore. I didn’t understand what I had down wrong. Morgan and I start playing together in secret when her mother was at work.

One day another little girl moved in across the street from us. This little girl was allowed to play with Morgan. Morgan’s mother told the new girls mom that I wasn’t allowed to play with Morgan, so she decided that I wasn’t to play with her daughter either. One day I had friends, The Next day I was all alone. I started to spend most of my time inside, playing with only myself and my imagination. It was at this time that I started to write. It was all I had.

It wasn’t until I was about fourteen that I made another best friends. Her name was Windy and she was a year older that I was, we also shared the same birthday. She was the first person that I let myself fully open to the one person who I felt would be there for me just like I would be there for her. She was the first (1 of 2) who got to actually know my family life, had actually witnessed it, and trusted her.

She didn’t go to the same school as me or even live in the same city, but every weekend she would come over and we would spend all of our time together. We were almost like sisters, no we pretty much were sisters. One day during a weekend together she tells me that shes moving, in fact she wasn’t just moving to another city, oh no, she was moving to another state. Idaho to be exact.

We cried and had out goodbyes and promised to keep in touch with each other and we did. At first. We talked to each other a lot on the phone but that became too expensive, so letters were our only option. She wrote first so that I could get her address and I waited with bated breath to receive it. When I got the letter I must have read each word a hundred times to make sure I didn’t miss anything. My heart ached when I read that she was making new friends.

I wrote her back and was surprised when I received my letter returned back to me. It seems that she forgot to include her zip code in her address, and in my rush to send her my letter I didn’t notice. I didn’t take this as a stopper and got my mother’s approval to call her to get the zip code, only her number was disconnected. I decided to wait for another letter this time hopefully with her zip code on it. None came.

This was before the internet was really popular and I couldn’t just google it, like I can now. The internet was still fairly new and I couldn’t use it very much, once again the phone cost. I don’t know what happened to Windy and I still think of her at times. And wished she was here. I also wonder if she still thinks of me and if she wonders why I never wrote her back.

If you ever read this… I miss you…

People aren’t the only things that leave me. When I was around eight, a neighbor’s cat got pregnant with kittens. My mother said that it was okay that I had one so I wait weeks (a long time for a young kid for to wait) for them to be weened off their mothers milk. The neighbor would let me visit with the cats and I went over everyday and one day I notice that one of the cats was so tiny. The woman explained to me that it was the runt of the litter and that none of the other cats would like him eat and would push him around. She explained to me that she had to bottle feed him in order for him not to starve to death. As tears fill my eyes I knew that this was who I would be taking home with me.

The day I took him home was one of the happiest days of my life. I named him Dinky due to his size. He was always there for me curling around my neck, snuggling in to my side on bad days. I’ve never loved anything so much. When I was seventeen our landlord told us we ere not able to have pets anymore. We found homes for our other pets but I knew I couldn’t get rid of him. A old friend of my mothers offered to take care of Dinky until I could collect him. A couple of days later I came home and my mother was wearing a grim expression while my dad looks furious. They explained to me that Dinky was given away because my mother’s friend did not want to take care of him anymore.

I remembered bursting into angry tears and demanded that we go get my cat back, except my mother’s friend wouldn’t tell me where he was or who we gave him to. I refused from that day forward to talk to him at all. Thirty days after that we got evicted from our house because they wanted to sell it. A year later my mother’s friend would try to make amends with me by giving me a picture of my precious Dinky in his new home to prove that he was being taken care of well. This only fueled my grudge and hatred towards the man who was like a grandfather to me.

I still cry whenever I think of Dinky and my one regret was I never said good bye because I thought foolishly that I would see him again.

I still find it so hard to trust and love but I’m trying, My fiance is helping me see that not everyone leaves. Tesla and Mordechai are helping rebuild the hole that Dinky left. Who knows maybe one day I can actually have a decent conversation with some body I just meet

Only time will tell. 

Theory: Ceiling Trolls

Everyday I come into work I see this dark spot on the floor in the exact same spot only each time I see it, it gets darker and darker.

There is only one explanation for this, we must have a ceiling troll living in our office, what other reason would it be, because to be honest it was the only thing I can think of.

My theory is every night when the cleaning crew leave these ceiling trolls come out and play and because these ceiling trolls like living in damp and swampy ceilings when they open the cover dirty water leaks out.

In order to prove my theory correct I was thinking of installing a hidden camera to capture these trolls in action. (I also have a slight suspicion that these dirty trolls have been stealing the stationary supplies from my desk). Although I think my work has hidden cameras filming us already (that’s a theory for another day) I doubt I can get access to them.

If I do prove these trolls exist and actually do live in ceilings I can get rich and famous and never have to work in my entire life, or maybe people should just lock me up in a mental institute. Either way I wants my stationary back.

 

 

Is it really this hard!?

I am really trying not to turn in some crazy anal retentive wack job bridzilla, but thats getting really hard. I thought it would get easy after I booked the venue, which I finally did (I’ve been engaged since August) and they are amazing. Not only is this place affordable, but they do the decorations, food, cake and pretty much everything else. So I thought ‘Hey now that I got this everything should just fall into place‘ Oh sweet glory hole was I wrong.

I am just trying to pick out some invitations and some save the dates, but it seems to be impossible to find something that my fiance won’t turn down, that had my color scheme and that is affordable. This combination is just looking impossible. I DON”T WANT TO SPEND $600 ON INVITATIONS!

My Fiance and I are paying for this ourselves, we can’t afford this shite! So I’m only at the invitations I haven’t even gotten to the other things and I’m already going pretty Nutso. Thank god for my MoH because I don’t think I could do this on my own.

Will I be able to eventually keep my piece of mind? Will this break me or make me? Do people even care?

I should really do some meditation or buy some Valium because by September I think I’m just gonna attack Japan!

LOOK OUT IT’S BRIDEZILLA!

Stay tuned to see if I stay sane.

Super Bowl Sunday and Music Monday

So the Super Bowl was yesterday and I am sad that the 49ers lost, but I guess they didn’t lose as spectacularly bad as I thought they were going to do closing the gap 34 to 31.

The 49ers just didn’t have the defense or offense to beat the Ravens, but the hope that had blossomed from my chest after the halftime show almost made me want to vomit when they didn’t win.

The blackout that lasted over 30 minutes almost ruined the entire game for me, and the commercials which were once my favorite thing about the SuperBowl just really lacked the usual flare they have. Overall I wished I watched the PuppyBowl.

I did however enjoy the Halftime show surprisingly. Beyonce while not my favorite singer did a pretty good job, and the Destiny’s Child reunion, that I knew was coming, made me squeal with joy. Oh how I long for them to go on tours, I’d have tickets in a heartbeat.

So for Music Monday I give you Beyonce’s Super Bowl 2013 halftime show.

What’s up doc?

Okay so I’ve been a bit busy lately and haven’t gotten to update this, but I have not forgotten!

I am currently trying to write a fantasy YA novel at the moment and it is moving along quite well, using a program called scrivener which helps when I try to keep everything organized.

Next is I am currently trying to plan my wedding and only yesterday have gotten to put the deposit down on my venue! The date is Friday September 27th for the reception and I can’t wait! Now I’m just trying to find a place to print invitations and save the dates for a reasonable amount since my fiance and I are paying for it ourselves.

Next is of course our Zoombie Project. We just had our first meeting of 2013 and it was very long and productive and I loved every minute of it!

Music Monday’s will of course be back and so will updates on the ins and outs of my life and how I continue to fail at social interactions and create awkward moments from thin air.

Keep reading and stay tuned!